The reasons we fall in love may be a mystery, but the reasons we stay in love are far less elusive.
There may be no such things as the perfect partner, but an ideal partner can be found in someone who has developed themselves in certain ways that go beyond the surface. While we each seek out a specific set of qualities that is uniquely meaningful to us alone, there are certain psychological characteristics both you and your partner can aim for that make the flame not only stronger, more passionate and more fulfilling, but also far less likely to die out the moment the clock strikes midnight.
This means you have to find a person whom you can put up with and who, more importantly, can put up with you. It should be vice versa.
To some, an ideal partner is someone who can make them laugh even in the worst of situations; someone who brings up their mood when feeling really down. And to some he/she might not be the sexiest out there, but is attractive in their own way. Some do not pay attention to looks; it is mostly secondary, personality is what reels them.
Each of us thinks we have specific ideas and desires when it comes to choosing a long-term partner. But many studies have shown that there are factors that all of us look for.
Many of these qualities may not be apparent to us when we first meet someone, but as we get to know the people we date, these are invaluable traits to both look for in them and strive for in ourselves.
Still waters run deep and you may not get a chance to find that out if you don’t take the time to get to know someone.
Reading through an article in Psychology Today called ’10 tips to help you pick a good partner’ by Dr. Barton Goldsmith, what fascinated me was this line: ‘picking the right person for the right reasons at the right time is an art form.’
With the divorce rates as high as they are, it makes sense that it takes the right person, right time, and right reasons to make a fulfilling and strong relationship.
How then do we find an ideal partner?
- Never make choices out of fear
People so many times either choose a partner or stay with someone in an unhappy relationship predominately out of some kind of fear. The fear of being alone? Usually fears vary from person to person.
In finding an ideal partner never make decisions out of fear because it leads to confusion, anxiety and a general feeling of something being amiss.
- Do not jump into a committed relationship
Jumping right into a committed relationship quickly can be tempting when you find someone you have a fiery connection with. But, you don not really know that person yet and you are getting emotionally invested in someone that you do not know much about. During the course of the relationship you may find out things that you really don’t like or that you’re truly not compatible with this person.
It is important to remain grounded and patient when deciding to be seriously committed to someone.
- Attraction grows, give people a chance
Every time I hear people say they weren’t going out with someone because they weren’t their ‘type’. But remember attraction can grow the more you get to know a person and their personality. Not everyone wears their heart on their sleeves, it takes time, a whole lot of time to get to know them.
- No Checklist
So many have extensive lists of what qualities and traits their ideal partner has to have. No wonder there are so many old spinsters, bachelors out there.
If you limit yourself to a checklist you may miss out on some great matches for you.
A great relationship has emotional compatibility. How that person makes you feel as opposed to what he/she looks like on paper.
- Be on the lookout for foundational qualities
Qualities like empathy, integrity, honesty, reliability, kindness and emotional generosity are what helps to build a good partnership. Pursue these further when you find them in a person even if they may not seem like your ‘type’ on the surface.
- Choose not lust as a guide
Magnetic chemistry has a strong power because it isn’t something that happens often. When we find someone we have a magnetic chemistry with, not only is it an aphrodisiac that we can’t get enough of but we also confuse it with the right person. Magnetic chemistry is great but do not excuse bad behaviour because of it. People tend to put up with a lot of crap from someone they are dating when they feel a magnetic chemistry with them. Watch it!
- Look for someone you can be yourself around
Clichéd as it sounds but it’s true. Pick a partner you can be 100% yourself with. Not judgemental, accepts you completely, this gives you a liberating feeling. In life not everyone will accept you the way you are.
A relationship should be a safe haven, a comfortable place where you don’t keep a mask on.
- Don’t wait to change what won’t change
Be clear with yourself about what you will and won’t accept and know what your deal-breakers are. Once this is clear to you, it makes it easier in making decisions about the fate of a relationship.
- Go have some fun
You become happier when you put less pressure on yourself. This will give you more ease in creating a space to attract the right kind of people to you.
Take time to love and enjoy yourself.